Tannen Deborah. That's Not What I Meant! How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Your Relations with Others

Virago Press Ltd. 1996. — 180 pages. — ISBN10: 1853815128This book does indeed have a narrow focus, but the subject of that focus-interpersonal communication-has far reaching implications in any type of human relationship. Relationships often suffer from a variety of different problems, ranging from differences in personal habits, to differences in values, to differences in religious views, but that is more or less a given in any relationship, especially one in which people share a domicile. However, it is how those relationship partners choose to "deal" with their inevitable differences "communicatively" that will determine the ultimate success or failure of their relationship. Do they choose to disagree or argue endlessly? Do they insult each other, or call each other names? Do they try to talk over each other,or become violent? Or do they approach each other in cooperative manner, open to each other's different ideas and viewpoints, with a willingness to learn from each other?What Tannen does in this book is show how some of the common communication differences between men and women in relationships have their basis in fundamental differences in the way men and women perceive each other, and relationships in general. And, furthermore, that these fundamental differences, often hidden below the surface, can have profound, and often negative, effects on all kinds of relationships throughout a person's life, unless they are brought into the light of day. In effect, what Tannen is trying to do is to get people to be more aware of how they "habitually" communicate, the possible reasons why they communicate in those ways, and how the things they say and do may affect others. In effect, her goal is to empower people to begin-perhaps for the first time in their lives-to really "choose" how they communicate in relationships-rather than being a slave to destructive habits relied on since childhood. I strongly recommend this book for both men and women in ongoing close